This is the face of evil
So let’s dive right into this sucker: our opening image is…NOTHING. Or rather the screen remains black while the latin choir comes in and primes us for the real opening image, NOTRE DAME. And it is EPIC. This introduces Notre Dame as a character, which is important as the cathedral is essentially the battlefield in which everything goes down. We should also note that this is shot from above the clouds, giving off the feeling that we are in heaven, which sets up the subtext of Notre Dame being the gateway to heaven on earth. So in this one image we learn that Notre Dame is giant and holy and important. Nice. So we pan closer to the cathedral…and closer…and closer…and omg this shot just KEEPS GOING. We go under the clouds and through Paris until we end up at our narrator, Clopin. Clopin is a GYPSY and it looks like it is story time because he is about to tell some kids a tale, a tale about MURDER. Don’t worry guys the French came up with Beauty and the Beast, you know the fairytale where being held prisoner by a deranged monster is a good thing? This is a totally appropriate subject for kids in France.
We kick off this back-story with some good ‘ol fashioned illegal immigration as we see a group of gypsies sneaking into Paris, but OH SNAP they have been caught by a man named CLAUDE FROLLO. In this version Frollo is a judge and he is not exactly a fan of gypsies. I mean he was living in Paris before it was cool, like you probably hadn’t even heard of it, but now these gypsies are crowding his scene so naturally he has sworn to KILL ALL GYPSIES. He orders the guards to arrest the group but this one lady is just not havin’ it, so he decides to ride her down and she ends up crackin’ her skull open on the steps of a church. He pries a bundle from her cold, dead hands which he assumed was full of stolen goods but PLOT TWIST it was a crime against nature aka baby Quasi! Then he decides to drown baby Quasi in a well. This is a totally kid friendly story, I don’t even know what I was talking about before.
BUT! The archdeacon, for some reason, says that drowning babies is frowned upon and that Frollo should maybe cool it with the murder spree. Frollo just rolls his eyes and says ‘pfft gurl I do what I want’ but apparently the church, which is Notre Dame, isn’t a fan of baby murders either because the architecture just starts straight up judging him! It is like every statue has turned into Frollo’s disapproving mother in law and it is FREAKING HIM OUT. At last he is like ‘FINE, WHATEVER! It’s not like I really wanted to murder that baby anyways’ and agrees not to murder Quasi as long as he can keep him locked up in Notre Dame. The archdeacon apparently has no problem with imprisoning innocent children for the rest of their days so everyone is cool with this plan. This whole sequence is told through song and ends with Clopin posing the question of ‘who is the monster and who is the man?’ so now we have our CENTRAL QUESTION.
This is a wonderful sequence because it sidesteps the problem of back-story not being story; see, typically when it’s time for back-story the plot has to stop dead so we can bro down about the PAST and learn what happened to our HERO. I mean sure it may be interesting and informative, but we are still stopping the story to learn about something that has already happened. Any revelations are going to affect the dramatic stakes of the following scenes, not the back-story scene itself because Re: already happened. BUT! Hunchback does a brilliant thing by making the back-story a part of the main plot by placing it in chronological order. This works awesomely because not only does it allow them to open on a bitchin’ chase scene, but it also gets us as an audience invested because this shit is going down RIGHT NOW so we have no idea how it’s going to turn out!
By the end of the sequence we have set up our tone, premise, and back-story, with the sequence finishing on a shot of adult Quasi so that we are now ready to head into the story proper. It also introduces what is in my opinion one of the film’s most genius elements; the fact that our hero and villain are surrogate father and son. Like in Treasure Planet, this adds a whole other layer of turmoil because Quasi’s antagonist is someone he respects and cares for. Unfortunately for Quasi, unlike Silver Frollo is 100%, grade A, JERKWAD. So at this point the film is going really well; we know that our villain is a guy who isn’t afraid to get his murder on every once in awhile (though to be fair the victim was a mom in a Disney film, she didn’t have long for this world anyways) and we know that our hero is going to be raised by this psychopath. Pretty exciting set up so far right? Where does this film go wrong again? If I don’t watch the next scene can I pretend that it never happened?
We cut to Quasi on the bell tower and now he is an ADULT. Up until this point we have not seen Quasi’s face so there is some tension built up around wondering just how mirror shatteringly hideous he is, but it turns out the Disney is strong with this one because even as a deformed cretin he still has gigantic puppy eyes. Quasi is talking to a bird because apparently he hasn’t learned how to create fake internet profiles yet (it’s real easy Quasi, stock photos are your friend) and he tells the bird he should peace the fuck out because nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. Nobody Quasi? Could that mean…Quasi doesn’t want to be cooped up at Notre Dame either??? I dunno, it’s just a wild guess. The bird flies off and then we are introduced to those denizens of hell themselves, the gargoyles Victor, Hugo, and Laverne. Sweet baby Jesus and all his host, where do I even begin with these three? I am 99.9% sure that Disney saw the rest of this film and absolutely flipped it’s shit with how dark it was, and went screaming back to the directors demanding that they add these characters and do a complete 180 with their tone to make sure kids weren’t having panic attacks every five minutes. The problem is that they did A COMPLETE 180 WITH THEIR TONE so that watching these guys is like watching some random Joe from a comedy film wander onto the set of a horror movie and decide to just hang out for a bit. They don’t even REMOTELY fit with the rest of the film’s tone, and I think that maybe Disney should have considered that the kind of people who got excited about the prospect of seeing a man sing about how if he can’t bone the girl he is creepin’ on then he is going to burn her at the stake maybe aren’t part of the same crowd as those who appreciate a pig trying to hauck a loogie onto a mime.
The greatest tragedy here is that there is actually one element of the gargoyles that I really, truly like; the fact that they exist only in Quasi’s head. True they do affect the physical world somewhat towards the end, but the directors have confirmed that this was the intention and for the most part you only ever see them interact with Quasi, never with anyone else. This works so well in expressing Quasi’s loneliness and isolation by showing that since he has literally no friends he has had to make some up, and his only confidants are in fact a pile of rocks. It even gives Disney a free pass to make them their patented whacky side characters and if they had just been able to REEL IT IN they may have even been a fascinating element of the film by giving us a window into Quasi’s psyche. BUT NO. Instead we got Jason Alexander crackin’ wise about ‘cutting the cheese’.
Today is the Festival of Fools, but Quasi is uncharacteristically apathetic towards the proceedings. He retreats to his SWEET BACHELOR PAD where we see that although his internet profiling skills may be lacking, Quasi is a diehard Second Life fan as he has made carved fanart of the entire town and presumably LARPs with his creations whenever no one is looking. The gargoyles come to see what’s what and Quasi spills the beans that he is tired of merely stalking everybody from afar, he wants to go OUT THERE. The gargoyles tell him to just DO IT ALREADY and then crack a literature joke but it is NOT WORKING you guys because I will not be won over that easily. However Quasi reminds them that they are all forgetting one thing and that one thing is his master, Frollo. Wait, master? That seems a tad racy; Frollo doesn’t have a sex dungeon lying around does he? None of this seems to phase the gargoyles though because they tell him to DO IT ANYWAYS and for a moment Quasi seems to agree but then Frollo teleports in and immediately all of the joy is sucked out of the room. Note that the gargoyles also turn immediately to stone, hinting at the fact that Quasi be trippin’.
Frollo says it is time for lunch and Quasi sets up the table; even the set design is reflective of their respective characters, with Quasi’s glass being simple and wooden while Frollo’s goblet is tall and expensive looking, which is a nice way of subtly reminding us what these dudes are all about. They start reviewing Quasi’s alphabet but OH SHIT Quasi inadvertently reveals that he wants to go to the festival! Frollo completely HULKS OUT upon learning this and reminds Quasi that unfortunately he is not skilled enough to pull off the Benedict Cumberbatch weird-yet-hot thing and that the mere sight of his mug could render normal people BLIND. He sings a ballad about how life sucks and how he is the only person who would ever put up with Quasi EVER, and then peaces the fuck out. It is probably a good thing that he never went into motivational speaking. HOWEVER Quasi just can’t keep these feelings down! He has got a case of the feels and they are coming out in SONG. Quasi sings about how he just wants ONE day without the rents breathing down his neck and then he’ll go back to being grounded forever like it’s no big deal. Also there is this bitchin’ ANIMATED lense flare and I feel like J. J. Abrams probably had to be escorted out of the theatre at that point for suddenly coming down with a case of the vapors. This let’s us know Quasi’s WANT which is to go hang with the cool kids and ties in closely with his NEED which is to be accepted by those cool kids and, you know, maybe not sing so many duets about how he is a loser and get some confidence.
This is interesting because usually a character’s WANTS and NEEDS are opposed to each other because that creates DRAMA, but in this case the drama comes from Quasi’s own fear of failing to attain his goal and being a confirmed loser FOREVER and thus struggling with totally giving up and succumbing to Frollo’s worldview. So essentially the issue is the same in that the conflict still comes from Quasi being his own worst enemy, except that the problem is not only Quasi it is also SOCIETY. We want Quasi to attain his goal because A. he talked to a bird which shows his caring, sensitive nature, B. wanting to not be a lonely loser is a pretty relatable thing, so we as an audience empathize with his goal, and C. Frollo is the WORST.
Quasi decides that he has no more fucks to give and that HE IS GOING TO THE FESTIVAL YA’LL- BUT! first it is time to be introduced to our SUPPORTING CAST. The first thing you have got to know about our supporting cast is that in this movie everyone gets a sidekick, and I mean EVERYONE. Quasi has his gargoyles, Phoebus has his horse, Esmeralda has her goat, Notre Dame has her archdeacon (yes, he is the voice of the church, he counts), the clumsy soldier has the even clumsier soldier, and Frollo has his giant hat. It is a sidekick BONANZA up in here. This is annoying because, like the gargoyles, in addition to being unnecessary and clashing with the tone of the film they are taking up screen time that could have been otherwise spent developing the main cast while at the same time they themselves offer nothing, contributing neither humor nor plot points, with the exceptions being the archdeacon and Frollo’s hat as these are actually important to the plot and do not detract at all. Ok so maybe the hat isn’t mission critical, but what is a villain without a FANTASTIC GETTUP? I rest my case. I will also submit that the goat is not the worst, and if we were in a sidekick Olympiad for least-awful protagonist leech he would probably be in the lead, however as he is a part of an overall distressing trend I am still throwing him to the wolves.
So we meet Phoebus who has just arrived from the wars to be CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD. Phoebus sees some gypsies cuttin’ a rug and among them is Esmeralda, and oh man you guys hold onto your Bunsen burners because these guys have CHEMISTRY. We know this because they give each other this look of ‘hey bb’ which means of course they are going to hook up by the end of the film. We also see that Phoebus sticks up for the gypsies when the soldiers harass them, reaffirming that gypsies are outsiders and also introducing the fact that Phoebus is not like the other soldiers because he is a DECENT HUMAN BEING. This gives Phoebus and Esmeralda a foundation for their decision to bro it up later, because they have a HISTORY now. We then pan to Phoebus heading over to the palace of justice right after a mythology joke about Achilles (damn it sidekicks, I WILL NOT GIVE IN!) where he meets…FROLLO?!?! Oh snap you guys, it turns out Phoebus is gonna be Frollo’s lacky because apparently making one guy’s life a living hell just wasn’t enough for our judge.
We see Frollo giving torture advice to this guy with a whip and OH SHIT WE FOUND THE SEX DUNGEON! Frollo then takes a break from his S & M enterprise to talk to Phoebus about his new position, and how his job will be to KILL ALL GYPSIES. This is punctuated by the visual of Frollo squishing insects, making us squirm uncomfortably (reinforcing the tone of both A. Frollo being a creeper and B. Frollo viewing the gypsies as sub-human) and also setting up Frollo’s plan to find the gypsy hideout and nuke it. Phoebus doesn’t seem as excited about this as Frollo does, but those bills aren’t gonna pay themselves so he doesn’t raise any objections. Then the festival starts and now that all our characters are set up they are ready to be set into motion, and so converge on the festival for our ACT CLIMAX.
We see Quasi sneaking in as the town gets ready to PARTY! Clopin is leading the festivities and is singing about how everything is topsy turvey and how it is time to chill with the strumpets and knaves and wait did Disney just slip a prostitute reference into a kids film?? Quasi tries to slip by unnoticed like that kid who just creeps in the corner during the frat party but OH SNAP he trips and falls into Esmeralda’s tent! For a moment Quasi is worried she will be STRUCK BLIND upon seeing his face as per Frollo’s prediction but it turns out she is a chill chick and doesn’t really care. This bro-moment means that now Esmeralda and Quasi have a history too, and sets up Esmeralda as being kind. It also gives Quasi confidence that his plan will work, and foreshadows the problem that Esmeralda, while being totally cool with random hunchbacks crashing into her pad, actually thinks Quasi is wearing a mask which means that we as-of-yet still don’t know how people will actually react to Quasi, turning that newfound confidence into a false sense of security. However Quasi is too busy being happy to have actual human contact to hear the warnings of DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! going off in the logical part of his brain.
Then Frollo arrives in his pope-mobile and it is time for the real show; POLE DANCING. Esmeralda goes on stage and cuts the rug into, like, so many pieces it is ridiculous. I mean I am not even sure there is a rug anymore, it is that intense. And guess what you guys: our three dudes are INTO IT. This sets up our CENTRAL CONFLICT, which comes from the fact that EVERYONE BE WANTIN’ ESMERALDA. Frollo even holds onto her scarf because OMG SHE TOUCHED IT AND NOW I CAN NEVER WASH IT AGAIN. After this display it is time to crown the KING OF FOOLS, and as Quasi and Esmeralda had a bro-moment before she pulls him up onto the stage to compete. Well let me tell you, when it comes to a contest in ugly there ain’t nobody that can out uggo our hero and ol’ Quasi wins HANDS DOWN. Unfortunately this means that not only does Frollo find out that Quasi is out past his curfew but the whole town realizes that Quasi is not wearing a mask, and was in fact born to play the titular role of Phantom of the Opera. At first this does not go down well until they realize that they were looking for the king of nightmare faces and they have clearly found him. This leads to the whole town cheering and crowd-surfing Quasi as Frollo looks on with a rage-face that says ‘young man I am going to ground you until the heat-death of the universe for this’. Right now Quasi is just SO HAPPY you guys because he has essentially achieved his goal! He has friends now! But wait, this is only the Act 1 climax, there’s no way he’s won already. So in that case it means we’re making Quasi as happy as humanly possible…as a set-up so that in the next scene we can CRUSH HIS SOUL.
By highlighting how high Quasi is here, it makes his inevitable fall from grace all the more painful and heartbreaking, and our directors decide to pull out all the stops because right in the moment of Quasi’s ultimate bliss the crowd suddenly turns on him and begins treating him like a monster to torment for their amusement. It is like everyone just turned into youtube commenters, and it is just Not. Cool. Also the light turns red because red = bad things. The crowd ties Quasi down and starts throwing fruit at him, and now Quasi’s HOPE has turned into his FEAR and he is just completely regretting going to this frat party. BUT Esmeralda shows up and goes all social justice warrior on everyone’s asses, telling them to STEP OFF. Frollo doesn’t like this because in a world without HBO public torture is like his Game of Thrones and she is interrupting his show, but Esmeralda lays down the law and tells Frollo that he mistreats the people who need him most, and now we know that Esmeralda is all about JUSTICE. Frollo is so pissed now you guys, he orders Esmeralda arrested for WITCHCRAFT but Phoebus is too busy continuing to be entranced by her hotness to really get anything done. Esmeralda peaces the fuck out and takes all the light with her because now it is SAD TIMES because with Esmeralda gone Frollo turns back to Quasi and he is un-im-pressed. Quasi realizes that he done fucked up and vows to never disobey Frollo again, ever. He then scurries back to Notre Dame aka his gilded cage as the whole town watches and is disgusted by him, then literally and figuratively closes the door on the outside world and is left alone in the dark.
This shows how difficult Quasi’s goal is and how much he has to overcome to ever have a hope of achieving it, and at the same time makes us totally invested in his goal because oh my GOD you guys that was HORRIBLE. Frollo tells Phoebus to FIND ESMERALDA and his and Phoebus’ horses do not get along because guess what Frollo and Phoebus don’t really get along either! This officially brings our inciting incident to a close and as Phoebus sees Esmeralda sneaking into the cathedral we know that we are ready to get down to business in ACT 2.
NEXT TIME: Act 2 – Phoebus and Esmeralda are equaled in love only by their prowess in puns, Quasi gets a crash course in highschool-style awkwardness, and Frollo really needs to work on his dating skills.
(All images © Disney)
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